It wasn’t how I wanted to start my Monday morning, driving to my 8am meeting, with tears rolling down my face. From out of nowhere, this song seems to find a way to surface at the crossroads of my life, over and over. And it hit me like a freight train.
Against the wind
We were runnin' against the wind
We were young and strong, we were runnin' against the wind
The years rolled slowly past
And I found myself alone
Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends
I found myself further and further from my home, and I
Guess I lost my way
There were oh-so-many roads
I was living to run and running to live
Never worried about paying or even how much I owed
Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time
Breaking all of the rules that would bend
I began to find myself searching
Searching for shelter again and again
As the second verse ended, and the piano break began, I reached over and turned the radio off. Get it together, Am. You’re stronger than this.
Music has a way of taking me from “barely holding it together” to “completely destroyed” in about 3.7 seconds. It’s always been there to rip my soul from my being, then flood the space that remains. I pulled my car over to gather myself, and looked at myself in the rear view mirror. As I checked to see what the pupils of my eyes looked like, I noted how much my right eye is drooping. It never ends - I don’t get a break from the pressure or the reality, even if the rest of the world and those around me need a reprieve.
My world is shifting, and my walls of protection have crept back up. Even though that’s a natural reaction to everything I’ve been through in the last 7-8 months, it’s not my intention. I’ve worked so hard this past year to share my authentic self, and face the darkest corners of my vulnerability, and I’m still winning the battle on so many fronts. I’ve taken a break, but I’m going to start writing again.
And I’m going to go ahead and let the music take my heart, without resistance.
I’m searching for shelter, against the wind, and I’m going to heal.
Feel whole again.
And I need to get ready… and stay ready.
I will. I am.
Life is messy sometimes, friends. Don't let the weight of the yoke determine how far you're going to walk.
Stay in the arena,
My name is Amy but friends and family call me Am. I am a lover of dogs, good whiskey, and strength training. I'm a brain surgery survivor (x31), a fiddle player, a construction designer, and a boxing enthusiast. I have six real siblings, and five fake brothers. I love deeply, and consider my close friends to be family.